I slept through my alarm again My boss said, “Don’t come back, my friend” So now I’m jobless, broke, and free Which sounds way cooler than it feels, trust me My mom says I should cut my hair My dad says, “Son, try not to care” But I’m still wearing my old band tees From that band I started in 2003 (we were awful) And I would totally fix my life today But I just started season eight of MMA Wives Yeah, my ex blocked me, but her dog still follows me On Insta, Snap, and TikTok too — that fluffy traitor’s haunting me She’s got a boyfriend now with a job and abs But he still can’t quote Wayne’s World, what a drag I’m not bitter (okay, maybe slightly) But her grandma still likes my posts nightly Yeah, my ex blocked me — but her dog still follows me I applied for work at a local zoo They said, “Sir, you’re not qualified to scoop the poo” So now I stream and call it art While eating Pop-Tarts in my shopping cart (don’t ask) My friends are married, kids and all Meanwhile I just punched a hole in the wall Playing Call of Duty in my basement tomb Screaming at twelve-year-olds with zero doom And I’d totally grow up real soon Right after I finish this SpongeBob cartoon Yeah, my ex blocked me, but her dog still follows me He liked my post from last July — it was just a selfie eating brie She’s off in Paris with a yoga guy But I’ve still got Wi-Fi and curly fries And yeah, her mom still texts me memes (And invites me to holiday ice cream) So my ex blocked me — but her dog still follows me I’m not stalking! (Okay, once or twice) I just missed the dog, not the “I need space” fights I hope she’s happy, I hope she’s well I hope he gets her name tattooed and it’s misspelled Yeah, my ex blocked me, but her dog still follows me His little paw’s a middle finger on my feed eternally She’s got her life, and that’s just fine But I still send her dog Valentine designs I’m not bitter, just profoundly weird With a hoodie I haven’t washed in years Yeah, my ex blocked me… But her dog still follows me